How to Deal with A Challenging Person
Challenging relationships: We all have at least one of them in our lives.
Whether it’s an aunt we’ve never seen eye-to-eye with, an in-law who’s difficult to be around, or a drama queen in the office, challenging relationships can make anyone dread obligatory get-togethers or events involving the challenging person.
The good news is, there is a way to manage your relationship with a challenging person, and it doesn’t require changing them (which will never happen anyways).
Let’s discuss how to deal with a challenging person.
How to Deal with A Challenging Person
Challenging Relationships: Defined
So, what constitutes a challenging relationship?
This relationship is with a challenging person who drains your energy when you’re around them. There is a low, negative energy vibe. You may also not feel seen by them or respected.
When you’re around this person you may think, “If only they showed up differently, things would be better.”
The disconnect between you and the other person could be rooted in a difference of opinion, opposing lifestyles or work ethic, differing parenting styles, personality clashes, past conflicts, and many other facets.
These are all facts outside of us regarding this person that we make up stories about, which is what makes the relationship challenging.
As an example for this article, let’s say you have an aunt who you have a challenging relationship with. She’s bossy, nosy, and tries to tell you what decisions you should be making in your life. Her political opinions and lifestyle differ from yours, and you feel uncomfortable when you’re around her. She is also addicted to Facebook and overshares on the platform, making your relationship with her that much more challenging.
Your first instinct is to point out everything you think is wrong with her life and tell her to butt out of yours. If only she would change, things would be better between you two.
But is this black-and-white kind of thinking helpful to the challenging relationship?
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Why Black-and-White Thinking Doesn’t Work
Your first line of defense with this challenging person is to believe you are right and they are wrong. You believe you’re showing up the right way and the other person is not.
When dealing with a challenging person, we want to tell them how they should be. This is your brain trying to be helpful in solving the problem. But unfortunately, this is actually counter-productive and can make things worse between you and the other person.
In the example of the bossy aunt, you want to point out everything you think is wrong with her lifestyle and tell her to take a look in the mirror and mind her own business. Unfortunately, this tactic isn’t going to work as your aunt isn’t going to change based on your prompting. This is why black-and-white thinking in challenging relationships is harmful.
So, if trying to change the other person isn’t the right solution, then what is?
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The Solution to Dealing with A Challenging Person
The solution to dealing with a challenging person is to manage your mind around them-this means managing your mind around who they are now and not who you’d like them to be.
First, notice what your story is about the person. Take note of this story prior to get-togethers or events that involve them.
Going back to the example of the bossy aunt, your story is that she beats people over the head with her political opinions, she’s bossy, nosy, tries to tell people how to live their lives, and you don’t agree with her lifestyle. You think she’s addicted to Facebook and needs an intervention.
Instead of trying to change her, which will never happen, you can show up in your relationship with her from a place of love. You can let bossy aunt be herself, and you can just love her anyways.
The wrong thinking (i.e. trying to change someone) causes further separation and disconnect. Seeing the challenging person as they are allows you to drop your agenda and come from a place of love.
Instead of the polarizing stories you’re telling about your aunt given the facts, you can begin to shift your thinking to a more neutral space.
An example would be, “Maybe I don’t agree with how my aunt lives her life, but I understand her past experiences were different from mine, and they are what led her to who she is today. I don’t have to agree, but I can love her anyway.”
You don’t need people to change and see it your way. It’s self-defeating to think this way as people generally don’t change. If they do, it’s of their own accord.
Letting go of trying to change people is completely freeing. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them or support their lifestyle or whatever it is that makes a relationship with them challenging.
People are complex. Everyone is different and we all have different life experiences.
Stay out of the challenging person’s thoughts and what you think they should or shouldn’t do, and stay in your thoughts.
Assume the person in the challenging relationship is going to continue to show up and be who they are.
So now what?
Who do we want to be in the challenging relationship?
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Before You Go
Navigating a challenging relationship from a place of love as opposed to black-and-white thinking will allow you to have a better relationship with the challenging person.
It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them or excuse their behavior-it just means you understand people are complex and are who they are, and nothing you can say or do will change them.
The only thing you can do, is love them despite your differences.
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Great points Lisa. You can’t change people unless THEY want to change. But who’s to say you are right and they are wrong. Maybe it’s the other way around. That is why people have OPINIONS. Everyone is entitled to their own and really there is no right and wrong opinion. Everyone thinks differently and everyone has had passed experiences which has helped to form their opinions. I wish more people realized this. I could go on an on about this but I will stop myself now! LOL. Take care.
Thanks Julie!