How to stop being a victim of your circumstances.
These past few weeks, I’ve had to un-follow two people on my Facebook who exert a victim mentality.
One of these people goes out of their way to make negative comments on random posts about how bad their day is, or making little jabs to garner attention.
They want to make sure everyone knows they are hindered by their problems in hopes that the people they feel are responsible for said problems will take notice of the comments and feel bad.
As if that’s going to resolve their problems.
The other person checks into the doctor on Facebook-with pictures-ensuring everyone knows about their every little ailment, looking for sympathy.
I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I un-followed.
My 20’s were spent allowing myself to be a victim of my circumstances, so once I broke away from that type of thinking, it became a huge pet peeve of mine, and I have zero tolerance for it.
It really does get you nowhere.
Back then, I wanted to blame everyone for my problems.
When I reached the end of my 20’s and broke out of that mindset, it was the most freeing thing that could have happened to me.
Life is too short to be a victim when you have the complete authority to turn your life around.
The choice is yours.
Accountability
There comes a point when you must put your big girl/big boy pants on and accept your circumstances for what they are, and make the decision to move on, a better person for it.
I’ll never forget the varied reactions of my co-workers when my company announced they were going to close our building and lay everyone off over the duration of the next 8 months.
There were tears.
Anger.
Shock.
Fear of the unknown.
One person in particular spent the last few months in crying fits and down in HR trying to throw people under the bus, claiming she was promised more severance and that her supervisor was racist (not true).
She tried to use her medical issues to wage that this layoff affected her more than anyone else (not true).
As time drew closer and closer to her lay off date, she took the extremes further, threatening to sue the company.
In the meantime, another co-worker got a new job shortly after the lay-off announcement and was on her way in no time.
Instead of accepting the situation for what it was and beginning to work on looking for a new job, person number 1 continued to point fingers and waste her time.
She reached her layoff date with no job prospects in sight.
Stuff happens.
That’s life.
Without taking accountability for what happens to you, you’ll never get what you want.
Where does the blame game get you?
Victim mentality, where does that get you?
That’s right-NOWHERE.
Absolutely nowhere.
Resource:
- Girl, Wash Your Face (book)
Learn to Experience Feelings
***Before I dive into this story, I’d like to make a quick disclaimer that the guy involved is no longer who he was when he did this. We have been friends for a long time, and this story is in no way attempting to shame him. It is merely for example only.***
In my early 20’s, I was dumped via text message.
I’m not sure what the protocol is for dumping someone in 2019, but back then, it was unheard of.
You at least paid someone the courtesy of a phone call, if not meeting in person.
I felt tossed away, cheap, stupid.
Unimportant.
To say the least.
Eventually, this guy and I tried to be friends, but I held the situation over his head and he wasn’t ready to apologize.
I tried making him feel bad for what he did to me.
(Eventually, he did feel bad and apologized, on his own terms, but that’s beside the point).
Instead of sorting my feelings out properly and taking control of them, I put my feelings on someone else-the person who hurt me.
When someone hurts you or something bad happens where feelings you don’t want to experience come to the surface, the only healthy thing to do is take responsibility for them.
Acknowledge how you are feeling and make the decision that you can control what you do with those feelings.
I didn’t have to try to force my friend to feel guilt for what he did.
Sure, he was a jerk for it.
But I could have moved on a lot sooner had I worked through my feelings and left him out of it.
While what he did sucked, he wasn’t responsible for my feelings.
Resource:
Rethink the Past
There’s a quote that I love, “when the past calls, don’t answer. It has nothing new to say.”
So, why are so many people are trapped in the past?
Why do so many people relive terrible circumstances that happened way back when?
It does nothing to help you move forward.
So why live in the past when all it does is harm you?
Confession time: I used to dwell on the past.
All. The. Time.
It consumed me.
I used to relive in my mind what people said or did to me.
Why things didn’t work out differently.
How I had bad luck.
These events controlled my life.
Mistakes made were the result of the circumstances of my past.
“This person did this and this to me and I’m depressed, so that’s why I have a drinking problem and got charged with drunk driving.”
Or so that’s what I thought.
Again, victim mentality.
Rewrite your past.
Instead of thinking your past happened to you, change your thinking to understand the past happened for you.
The two relationships I went through in my 20’s, mediocre at best and toxic at their worst, helped me become independent, know my worth, and never settle. That led me to my husband.
My two drunk driving charges inadvertently led me to Christianity, which also led me to my husband.
Events that were terrible led me to the best things to ever happen to me.
I wouldn’t change it for nothing.
Let your past work for you, not against you.
Regardless of what happened.
This is why, of two people who experience a similar tragedy, one will go on to become successful, letting nothing stop them, and one will stay trapped in the past and make excuses as to why they can’t overcome.
Resource:
- 6 Things that Don’t Define Your Identity (blog post)
Take Control of Your Life
When I see those Facebook posts that lead me to un-follow someone, the first thing that comes to my mind is, “these people have no control over their lives.”
When you complain or seek attention through negativity, you signal to people you have no control over your life.
And you clearly have no control over your feelings.
Take control.
Instead of focusing on your circumstances, focus on your future.
Make plans. Set goals. Dream.
Quit dwelling on what’s happened and get a vision for your future.
Resource:
- Imagine Big: Unlock the Secret to Living Out Your Dreams (book)
- How to Find Your “Why” (blog post)
Forgive
The biggest lesson learned in my 20’s: forgiveness.
It’s funny how what seemed to be the hardest thing in the world, finally comes as easy as flipping a light switch.
In dealing with the aftermath of getting brutally dumped in a text message and harboring that pain for so long and hating my friend, one day, it just hit me:
I’m over it.
It’s okay.
Refusing to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
It damages you more than it will ever damage them.
Whether you forgive someone in person or forgive them in your heart, it works just the same.
Some people won’t care about your forgiveness-that’s fine.
You can forgive them anyway.
If you truly believe you’ve forgiven someone, you will let go of all the pain they’ve caused you.
A burden is released.
Your heart is free.
You can move forward with life.
Resource:
Final Note
The choice is yours.
You cannot decide what happens to you, but you can decide how you handle what happens to you.
Read Next:
- 5 Foundations for Success
- Why You Need A Personal Growth Plan
- Bad Social Media Habits You Need to Stop
- How to Create Your Perfect Daily Routine
- 6 Thinking Habits of Successful People
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