How to Overcome Struggles in Life
Don’t you just love the feeling of a weight being lifted off your chest?
For example, walking out of a job interview that went well, then getting the call a week later saying you got the job.
You feel exhilarated knowing your stressful job search is over.
Life is perfect.
Except you’re knocked back down to reality when, days later, the man you thought you were going to marry breaks up with you.
(sigh)
Unfortunately, life isn’t better “over there” on the other side of struggle, because once you arrive “over there,” you’re struggling with something else.
When I was single, I thought my life would be perfect if only I were (happily) married.
But then I got married, and one month later, my company announced a massive layoff.
I lost my job six months later.
My struggle being a single woman desiring a happy marriage was over.
But my new struggle-as unemployed-was just beginning.
Struggles, challenges and discomfort will never go away.
But by learning how to shift your mindset and process the discomfort that comes from struggle, you win.
Struggles build character and help shape you into the amazing person you’re becoming.
Let’s talk about struggle.
What Does it Mean to Struggle?
The definition of struggle in the dictionary:
- to contend with an adversary or opposing force.
- to contend resolutely with a task, problem, etc.; strive:
“Struggle” is a very broad term and looks like many different things, from the mundane to life-altering:
- Wanting to order the Big Mac and french fries when you should be ordering a salad to comply with your diet.
- Getting out of bed instead of hitting the snooze button.
- Mustering up the courage to quit your unfulfilling job.
- Not taking that drink.
- Going through divorce.
- Getting laid-off.
- Surviving financial hardship.
- Getting out of debt.
- Overcoming the fear of public speaking.
- Recovering from a bad mistake.
- Battling illness.
- Trying to heal and move on from the loss of a loved one.
Our Society’s Struggle Crisis
In his book, High Performance Habits, Brendon Burchard says:
“We’re surrounded by memes and media and influencers telling us we’re not supposed to struggle, that life should just be an easy flow or we’re on the wrong track. Imagine what that’s doing to our abilities. Imagine what that is doing to our odds of ever taking courageous action. If we keep telling people to do what’s easy, why would they ever think to do what’s hard?” (p. 269)
This excerpt brings up a valid concern regarding our culture’s attitude regarding struggles:
Avoiding discomfort has become the new norm in our culture.
But if we keep avoiding, how will we ever achieve more?
The short answer is, we won’t.
Examples of avoiding:
- Drinking every night to relieve stress from the work day.
- Taking the easy way out.
- Avoiding difficult conversations.
- Overspending on frivolous items.
- Binge eating.
- Remaining in bad habits because it’s “too hard” to quit them.
- Ignoring a problem.
- Casually dating men you have no real interest in to fill the void of loneliness.
- Letting someone else do the work for you instead of finding the answers for yourself.
- Justifying the above behaviors.
The problem with this ideology (the “crisis”) is you will never grow, change, or get what you want in life if you avoid hard things.
You can stay where it’s comfortable and “safe” (avoidance behaviors).
But the consequence of this mindset is this: you’ll never change and nothing in your life will change.
Two Mindsets: Which one are You?
There are only two narratives in the human story: struggle and progress.
Growth Mindset-Those with a growth mindset see struggle as a challenge and an opportunity to improve. They don’t make failure mean anything about them. Instead, they fail-forward. Growth mindsets own their struggles and become better people for them. They are willing to experience discomfort to align their identity with their future self.
Their narrative is progress.
Fixed Mindset-People with a fixed mindset believe they were born with specific traits and intelligence that cannot be altered. They fear failure because they make it mean something about them. Fixed mindsets cannot overcome struggle and will never change. They believe their future is predetermined by outside forces.
Their narrative is struggle.
If you’re reading the above descriptions and realize you’re a “fixed” mindset (the first step is always admitting you have a problem!), you can change this about yourself.
Those who have a “growth” mindset have developed a little thing called courage that I want to talk about next.
What is Courage?
Courage isn’t something a chosen group of people are born with (i.e. “fixed” mindset logic).
Rather, courage is a skill practiced and developed over time.
The definition of courage in the dictionary:
- the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
The quality of mind or spirit.
Your quality of mind is all determined by your mindset.
This is something you have complete control over.
There are four kinds of courage:
Moral-Speaking up for others or enduring hardship for what you believe is right and the greater good.
Example: Reporting the unjust treatment of your colleague to HR at the risk of jeopardizing your relationship with your boss.
Psychological-Overcoming your insecurities and experiencing personal growth, asserting your authentic self instead of conforming.
Example:
- Voluntarily giving a presentation on stage to a large audience, despite a fear of public speaking.
Every day-Maintaining positivity or taking positive action despite a bleak or uncertain situation, sharing an unpopular idea, etc.
Example: Maintaining a positive attitude during the COVID-19 pandemic. Intentionally choosing to share only encouragement and refusing to give in to the fear and panic promulgated by the media. Choosing to believe the circumstance will leave you better than it found you.
Physical-Putting yourself in harm’s way for a noble goal or fighting an illness.
Example: Battling cancer.
How to Overcome Struggles: Six Steps
Follow this process to shift your mindset, build courage, and overcome struggles.
Step 1: Identify the Circumstance (Fact)
I highly recommend using life coach Brook Castillo’s CTFAR self-coaching model for this step.
The letters in the model stand for:
C-Circumstance (the “facts”, neutral)
T-Thought (your thought about the circumstance)
F-Feeling (how your thought about the circumstance makes you feel)
A-Action (what you’re doing-or not doing-about the circumstance based on your feeling about your thought about the circumstance)
R-Result (what your action produced)
Fill out this model: Start by identifying the circumstance.
This is the “fact” of your situation and is completely neutral.
It is devoid of being a positive or negative circumstance; Your thought about it is what gives it the label positive/negative.
Then, you’re going to write down the thought you’re currently thinking regarding your circumstance, the feeling it is producing, the action you’re currently taking, and the result you’re currently getting.
See Also: How to Solve any Problem
Step 2: Shift Your Thoughts (Mindset)
Repeat the process above with the CTFAR self-coaching model using the same circumstance.
Except this time, I want you to fill it out as though the result is your desired outcome from the circumstance.
What thought do you need to have to create the feelings which create the action you need to achieve that result?
Write it down.
Completely fill out the CTFAR model again with this shift in your mindset.
Then, practice the thought you identified.
Step 3: Face Your Fear (Discomfort)
This step is a little harder.
You’ll have to allow the discomfort and do the hard thing you don’t want to do.
This is where you take the action in the CTFAR self-coaching model you did in step 2.
Practicing the thought you identified in step 2 is imperative.
Step 4: Have Faith (Belief)
You can do hard things.
Believe in yourself.
Get people around you who believe in you.
Repeat the thought you wrote down in the self-coaching model in Step 2 and don’t stop thinking that thought until you truly believe it.
You got this.
Step 5: Don’t Give In (Avoiding)
In How to Break the Cycle of Bad Habits, I talk about my struggle to break the habit of drinking alcohol every night.
After years of being in the habit of having alcoholic beverages from dinnertime onward, making that change was hard.
It was extremely uncomfortable for me, and it took courage to quit.
I didn’t quit alcohol entirely, but I only drink two days a week max, and that was intentional planning on my part.
But initially, this change was hard for me to make, and I had to change the way I thought about alcohol.
Because you know what I decided was worse than the discomfort of not having my nightly vino?
Remaining in my same identity vs. shifting to the identity of my future self.
After I implemented the change to drink no more than two days a week, I began to experience changes:
- I started waking up earlier.
- The quality of my writing improved.
- My healthy choice begat more healthy choices.
- Not giving in to urges (but allowing them) built up my tolerance to not give in to other urges.
- My identity shifted a little more in line with my future self (someone who definitely doesn’t drink on a daily basis).
Think about a current circumstance you’re trying to overcome.
Are you engaging in avoidance behavior?
If so, I want you to think of the result on the other side of allowing discomfort.
The result you’ll get if you don’t fall prey to avoidance behavior.
This should be the result you identified in step 2.
It’s easier to side-skirt avoidance behavior when you focus on the desired result.
When I feel tempted to drink wine on a Wednesday night, I think of the benefits I listed above and I’m not even interested in the wine anymore.
Step 6: Don’t Give Up (Perseverance)
I don’t know what’s going on in your life that led you to click on this article, but I do know whatever it is, you’ve got this.
You can do hard things.
Think back on a time in your life when you never thought you were going to get through that “thing” you were going through.
And look at you now, on the other side.
You can do this again and again with any struggle you’re facing.
There’s nothing you can’t do-you just need to know it is possible.
Before You Go
There will always be discomfort in life.
But your struggles build character.
They are a road map to your future self.
Shift your mindset, build up your courage and use the six-step process to overcome whatever it is you’re currently facing.
You got this.
Comment below and tell me how I can support you!
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