6 things that don’t define your identity.
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Whether you subconsciously (or consciously) define yourself by certain aspects of your life or someone defines you for what you did back in 2003 in your college days, it’s important to realize so many facets of our lives truly don’t define us.
To realize things like your past, marital status, mistakes and more do not define you and the understanding that you get to choose what does define you, is a very liberating feeling.
I used to define myself by my mistakes and stuff that happened years ago.
When I finally let go of that, I let go of a plethora of destructive thoughts and attitudes I had about myself.
Let go of this constrictive box I put myself in that only existed in my mind.
I went back and forth on whether or not I should write this article.
Or rather, if I should publish it.
There are sensitive details here I ultimately decided to share in the hopes it may help you.
If I can’t be transparent in my writing, what’s the point?
I want to help people and I like to think my past experiences better enable me to help you.
Let’s dive in…
6 Things That Don’t Define Your Identity
Your Weight
I grew up with an older sister who, for as long as I’ve been alive, thought she was fat.
In fact, some years and 4 kids later, she now looks at old photos-you know, the ones from back when she thought she was fat-and says, “I was so skinny then-now I’m fat!”
(She’s totally NOT fat, by the way.)
All this to say, I learned from a young age women feel defined by their weight.
I learned this on my own terms, too.
Growing up, I was a short and scrawny kid. Some kids in the neighborhood called me “runt” or “Little Lisa.”
Then I grew up, and my body didn’t change much.
I’ve always been short and thin, and typically the smallest or 2nd smallest person in a given room.
My mom is 5 foot tall and weighed less than 100 lbs when she got married, and she’s still relatively slender for being in her 60’s now. The most she’s ever weighed was 125 lbs, and that was when she gave birth. I inherited her skinny genes.
This doesn’t translate well with the majority of women who are body-conscious and not naturally thin with a high metabolism, like me.
I got pigeonholed and labeled as “not one of us” by other women.
Comments such as, “Do you eat-EVER?” or, “Us bigger girls don’t like you tiny girls,” or, “Why do you work out? You don’t need to,” were the norm.
Women would ask how much I weighed or what size I wore. I could only imagine the response I’d receive if I turned the question around on them.
As a woman, you know not to ask another woman those questions.
But, I guess when you’re “skinny,” the rules don’t apply.
Needless to say, I developed a complex of my own-despite that I could eat an entire medium Papa John’s pizza in one sitting.
When people who barely know you or are complete strangers make debilitating comments about your body, you start to think all people see is your weight.
I felt like I constantly had to explain myself to these people and apologize for simply being the way I was, and it was so wrong.
But I got to a point where I shrugged the comments off and was openly proud of my body.
I’m more than just my weight (or lack thereof) and while my body is far from perfect, it’s the one God gave me.
Whatever your natural body type is, take pride in it. God designed you that way.
Side Note: Comments about your weight are never acceptable. (Politely) call people out when you are on the receiving end of their ignorant comments.
Resources:
- Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis (book)
- 3 Keys to Building Self-Confidence (blog post)
Your Career
This is a tough one for me to own up to:
I spent years defining myself by my career.
For a long time, I was always working some job that was beneath my potential.
When I told someone where I worked, I was never proud of it (excluding my last job).
Rather, I was embarrassed.
I knew I should have been further along in life professionally than what I was.
My Bachelor’s degree was in Communications and Journalism, and here I am working as a manager for Abercrombie!?
The truth behind this, though? I didn’t have the energy or capacity to seek more for my life.
I settled for mediocre.
Instead of defining myself by the person I could become-the person I had the potential to become-I resigned myself to a life of working mediocre jobs that were good but not great.
Fast forward to last Spring.
I was recently laid-off. My employer laid off 500+ employees and closed our building.
Eventually I became the marketing director for my church, as well as partnering with my friend in her marketing business and launched my blog.
But prior to that? My employment status completely controlled me.
I became lethargic and depressed that summer.
My worth was completely tied in to how much money I was (or wasn’t) making.
Yes, I’m married and my husband has a great job and doesn’t need my financial help. I also received a big fat severance check and had more money saved than ever before in my life.
But that actually made me feel worse about the situation.
I finally came to the conclusion that there’s more to life to make you feel whole than just working your life away (I’m a professed workaholic. If I’m not killing myself on the job, I don’t feel effective-I realize this is wrong).
In my case, I wasn’t working at all (yet) and I felt my identity was that of poop because I didn’t even have a job.
But we are in roles other than that of career woman:
Mother. Wife. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Etc.
As a Christian, I had to remember my identity in Christ trumps any other identity label. I could go into great length about this, but that’s for another article.
Our worth should not be tied up in our career.
If you’re going through a season where you’re working a job you know is beneath your potential and you’re beating yourself up, or if you’re currently not employed at all, like I was for a season, don’t judge your worth based on this.
Pretend careers don’t even exist for a moment and remember who you are as a person, without any career defining you. Write those character traits down and review them daily if you need the reminder of who you truly are.
Resources:
- Today Matters by John Maxwell (book)
Your Marital Status
I’ve been with my husband since I was 32 (I’m 37 at the time I’m writing this).
Prior to meeting him, I was perpetually single for 95% of my life.
I had only a few relationships prior to meeting him that were mediocre at best.
All this to say, I spent most of my time alone.
Truth be told, I kind of liked it.
Don’t get me wrong: My husband is A-MAZING and I wouldn’t trade my marriage for anything!
But I had high standards and I was never one of those women who were constantly seeking a relationship because I just wasn’t into most guys and didn’t need attention from them to feel whole.
Unfortunately, most people don’t want a commitment or marriage and I had no interest in bothering with anyone not ready to put his big boy pants on and commit to something real.
Despite my insecurities, I was secure enough in myself to be alone. I had a few relationships where I settled and I didn’t want to waste my time on that again.
It’s common for single women to feel a gaping hole in their life.
That something must be wrong with them.
Society tells us if we’re not married by a certain age, we’re broken.
Last year, before one of my best friends met her significant other, an older woman at a bridal shower made her feel terrible when she started offering unsolicited dating advice. Because God forbid, my friend was single.
Needless to say, my friend ended up downing five mimosas at the bridal shower.
The truth is, more and more women are getting married later in life.
Between focusing on your career and dealing with this terrible mind-shift of people drifting further away from committed relationships, it’s not always easy to find “the one.”
It’s not that you have the problem, it’s the fish in the sea that have the problem! (in some cases)
Anyways…it’s completely healthy and normal to be single.
Those last few years before I met my husband, I lived a pretty good life.
I didn’t feel like I had a red stamp on my forehead identifying me as “single.”
That time spent traveling, Friday nights reading in bed with my rabbits (because I’m cool like that), and doing all the things I can’t just do on a whim now that I’m married, shaped me to be the woman who was ready for marriage.
When I met my husband, he pursued me the way a man should pursue a woman. He made his intentions known. It totally rocked me off my axis.
This is the one, I thought. The one I patiently waited out on.
I see women whine and cry on Facebook about men doing them wrong or they say they can’t find a good man. They’re trying to force something they themselves aren’t ready for, let alone the men they’ve been dealing with.
Unless you’re happy and fulfilled solo, I don’t believe you can truly be happy and fulfilled in a marriage.
When it comes to attracting a mate, I completely believe in the law of attraction. You’ll attract what you put out there.
I snagged my husband because I had high standards, focused on building myself up, became a woman ready for marriage, and held out for the right man.
My life up to that point was fulfilling based on the life I created for myself, by myself.
Your marital status will only define you if you let it.
And if your annoying aunt is giving you a hard time about being single, put her in her place.
You have my permission.
Be defined by you and the person you’ve become.
Your Parental Status
The human reproductive system is an amazing, unpredictable thing.
Some women get pregnant at the drop of a dime (for better or worse).
Other women don’t want kids at all and take the necessary measures to ensure it doesn’t happen.
And then…there’s us women who are trying to make the kid thing happen and it’s just…not…happening.
I made the colossal mistake of making my intentions known to have children asap after getting married.
Between that and the general consensus that its okay to ask newlyweds when the kids are coming, this whole journey (we’ll call it that) has been stressful, agonizing, and often times, depressing.
And just like the skinny girl comments, I’ve gotten my share of ignorant questions-the worst of them coming from people I rarely see, who I doubt actually care about me and how I’m doing. They just want to be nosy.
With these people, there is no, “How are you doing?” They skip right to, “You’re not pregnant yet? Don’t you know how to do it?” “Maybe if you weren’t so skinny, you’d be able to get pregnant.”
*insert dramatic eye roll*
These ignorant people do not know the blood (no pun intended), sweat and tears behind the couples struggling to conceive.
The appointments with a fertility specialist, out of pocket medical bills, fertility medication, outpatient surgery, money spent on specific products to aid with fertility…
They don’t know how disciplined I feel I must be with my diet and lifestyle in an attempt to boost my chances of conception.
Receiving bad news about test results and tears when my period was 10 days late, only to discover after a blood test it was a complete fluke.
They don’t understand any of it.
Instead, I’m pigeonholed as a childless woman who must have something wrong with her, with people waiting on me to get pregnant so they can have something to gossip about.
Whether you are struggling with infertility or another issue related to your parental status, I want you to know this:
You are NOT defined by the kids you have (or don’t have).
My happiness and success in life cannot and will not be dictated by my struggle with infertility.
I have an amazing husband and bodacious goals I’m pursing.
Vacations ahead, books I’m excited to read, an upcoming football season and fun plans with friends to look forward to.
This blog, which brings me so much joy and purpose.
That’s more than most people can say.
There have been so many crazy, positive changes in my life and great things happening that you just can’t keep a girl down.
And there’s more to my life-more to me-than my ability to have kids.
Your Past
If I had to use a word to describe my 20’s, I’d choose “tumultuous.”
I was struggling with depression which culminated in no ambition and bad decisions.
As stated above, most of the jobs I worked were far beneath my potential.
When you struggle the way I did with depression, you have tunnel vision:
You’re constantly swimming in a sea of negative emotions and feelings tied to the lies you believe about yourself, and just making it through the day is a hurdle.
Comprehending the future was impossible.
It didn’t make me excited, it just scared me.
I didn’t know what, or who, I would become.
It was mentally too much for me to even consider moving into a new career. I didn’t think I had it in me and no clue what the first step was.
So, I just settled for what I had. It paid the bills, after all.
Then, there were the few ill-fated relationships (and I do mean “ the few”-I was perpetually single upon meeting my husband at 32).
I was in two relationships I knew deep down weren’t right or healthy, but I became emotionally attached and by then it was too late. And eventually-as I knew I would-I got dumped.
Nothing like getting dumped to make you feel like you’re not enough.
That was my motto in my 20’s- “I’m not enough.”
As if dating the wrong guys weren’t bad enough, the breakups always led to terrible decisions.
I started going out all the time and would do things just for shock value.
Truthfully, I just wanted to get out of my own head and try to find peace and happiness, but I didn’t know how.
When I mean “shock value” though, I want to make something clear: “shock value” for me did not entail drugs or sleeping around.
Those are two lines I wouldn’t cross.
I grew up Catholic, and as much as I wanted to rebel, I did not believe in participating in hook-up culture.
Sure, I’d go out wearing a flashy outfit sometimes. But that didn’t mean anything other than I wanted to go out wearing a flashy outfit. My goal was to forget who I was and become someone else.
(I’m not Mary Poppins, but my character underneath the flashy clothes wasn’t and isn’t far removed from her, if you get my drift.)
Remember, I’m shy by nature. And I had no intention of getting attention from guys. You can ask my friends about that.
Then, the inevitable consequence of bad decisions happened: I accumulated not one, but two, drunk driving charges.
One when I was 23 and one when I was 28.
I’d never felt more shameful and embarrassed.
Terms to describe me up to that point included: Innocent. Rule-follower. Shy. Quiet. Hesitant. Sheltered.
But now, there was a stigma attached to me. Or so it felt that way.
The truth is, I had a drinking problem and a lifestyle problem.
Depression led me to alcohol. Alcohol led me to fun nights out where I could forget life for awhile. Fun nights out led to bad decisions. Bad decisions led to mistakes and consequences.
A vicious cycle that got me nowhere.
It took me a long time to be able to talk about this stuff openly.
I only do it in the hopes it might help someone else.
If you’ve messed up-no matter how severely-it does NOT define you.
Make peace with your past and let it go.
Yes, I had two drunk driving charges and a problem with alcohol.
It doesn’t make me a bad person and it doesn’t diminish from everything I’ve accomplished in life.
But it does make me human. And resilient.
As a side note, I was honest with my supervisors at my company when I was dealing with the repercussions of that 2nd drunk driving charge.
I thought I was sure to be fired, but instead, they supported me.
They saw my value beyond my stupid mistake before I could realize my own value.
I’ll never forget the compassion they showed me during that time.
While these mistakes from my 20’s aren’t exactly on the highlight reel of my life, they did transform me (that’s for another article) and I wouldn’t change any of it if I could.
Those mistakes led me to where I am right now, and I’ve never been happier.
Resources:
- Make Your Dreams Bigger than Your Memories by Terri Savelle Foy (book)
What People Say About You
As I have stated before, I was a quiet and shy kid. I’m still shy and introverted to this day.
I wasn’t exactly someone other girls envied.
Then I turned 20 and had my first taste of how catty women can be.
I was (and still am) good friends with someone who, at the time, went through a “phase,” shall we say. He was not faithful to his girlfriend.
Somewhere along the line, I became the target of the girlfriend’s wrath.
I was far from the problem-I barely talked to guys, let alone did anything else with them-yet I got termed “the skank,” among other derogatory names.
She told the wrong person (a good friend of mine) about this, so of course I heard about it.
Sure, I could have approached her about it.
But I took the high road.
While she was targeting me and my book-nerd, video-game-playing self, her man was “hanging out” with other girls.
I have never been a threat to anyone, so it blew my mind the things she thought I was capable of.
Because she felt threatened by me, the only way she could make herself feel better was by calling me disparaging-and completely untrue-names.
The bottom line is, anyone who knows the real you knows what’s true about you.
In this case, people knew how innocent I was.
You know how I said I wasn’t Mary Poppins but not far removed from her?
Well, at this time, I was Mary Poppins.
I just happened to be the target of some woman’s insecurity and jealousy.
It got worse as I entered the adult work force.
Something I learned at my last job is, gossip and drama does not have an age limit.
People who engage in this type of behavior are not happy with themselves and you just have to remember that.
And, as stated above, the people who do know you, know your story.
I will spare you the details of another story, but long story short, I never responded to any of it, and you shouldn’t, either.
You’re better than that, and those people have heart issues they personally need to deal with that have nothing to do with you.
People are going to define you all day long based on their perception of you and what they think they know about you.
And they’re going to be wrong every time.
Resources:
- Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis (book)
What DOES Define You?
It’s as simple as this: You’re defined by who you say you are.
Again, for me as a Christian, I know I’m defined by who God says I am. That’s a topic for another article in itself.
I realize not everyone reading my blog shares my faith, and that’s okay.
Regardless, I’d like you to take a piece of paper and write out all the lovely character traits of what makes you, you.
The you that is separate from all the topics I listed above.
Knowing and accepting yourself for who you truly are…
That’s what defines your identity.
Final Note
I hope you stuck it out with me on this one.
More than that, I hope this helped you in some way.
It wasn’t easy for me to share some of my most personal stories and struggles.
I could have said a lot more, but that’s for another day. This article is long enough.
But if it helped even one single person, it was worth it.
Are you struggling to let go of a label you’ve put on yourself or that someone else has put on you?
What can I do to help you overcome that?
Let me know in the comments below.
Read Next:
- 6 Reasons Why People Give Up on Their Dreams
- 3 Keys to Building Self-Confidence
- How to Overcome Pain in 4 Steps
- 3 Morning Routines You Need to Stop Doing
- The Best Personal Development Podcasts
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