Things that Don't Define Your Self-Confidence

Things that Don’t Define Your Self-Confidence

Self-Confidence is based on your belief to figure things out.

To have the belief you can figure anything out and do hard things is a game-changer.

This is a basic skill you need to cultivate in order to accomplish your goals and see dreams realized.

But unfortunately, the majority of people have a false sense of where self-confidence comes from.

As a result, we’re too caught up in externalities and ego to understand what self-confidence actually is: the belief you can do anything you set your mind to.

So, let’s talk about things that don’t define your self-confidence.

Things that Don’t Define Your Self-Confidence

Externalities

Many people’s self-confidence is determined based on the external.

This is a faulty sense of confidence in one’s self.

When you have a “bad hair day,” is your work performance the same as a “good hair day”?

Don’t tie your confidence to your image.

The external is fleeting and always changing.

Remember, self-confidence is defined by the belief you can figure things out.

I believe there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look nice or own nice things.

But the majority of people externalize their confidence and it causes them so much pain.

As an example, think of someone who wants to lose weight and is unhappy with their body.

They think life is better “over there,” after they’ve lost the weight.

Waiting for the day to arrive when they weigh their ideal weight to be confident in themselves, they waste precious time.

Basing your self-confidence on externalities is a losing game because the external is constantly changing.

The person who is unhappy with their body might lose the weight, but that void inside of them is still going to be there.

After they lose the weight, they’re going to start focusing on the next thing they want to change.

You have to feel confident where you are now, because life is never better “over there.”

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” ~Marcus Aurelius

I want to cover some examples of externalities people commonly use to define their self-confidence.

Resources:

The Toxic Cycle of Plastic Surgery

It’s become common for young women to get plastic surgery.

Young women in particular are hyper-focused on their appearance.

Society has (wrongfully) taught women they are judged and valued based on their appearance, so this comes as no surprise some women’s self-confidence is tied to the way they look.

I’m not anti-plastic surgery-I don’t have any, but I think you should do what makes you happy, so long as you have a good reason.

But the problem with plastic surgery for some women is they get addicted to it.

First, it’s botox. Then a nose job. Then lip injections. An eyebrow lift…etc.

It’s a vicious cycle of striving for an unobtainable “perfect” look they’re never going to achieve (in their own eyes).

They become addicted to plastic surgery, and this is damaging to their self-confidence because they’re continually picking out new things they think are wrong with them physically.

It’s a toxic cycle of never feeling like you’re enough, and it causes so much pain.

As I mentioned earlier, the external is fleeting and ever-changing.

This includes our appearance.

Honing your self-confidence from your appearance isn’t sustainable, and you’re always going to fall short.

You can be confident, as you are, right now. Today.

Whether that’s 20 lbs heavier, or another aspect of your appearance you aren’t happy with.

The Social Media Facade

Another false sense of self-confidence people buy into is the social media trap.

Your worth is not determined by how many followers you have or “likes” you get.

But some people get so caught up in social media and feel embarrassed when their latest post on Instagram barely got any “likes.”

This is all ego.

I took a program called Online Business for Her earlier this year, and one of the main takeaways was that you measure the success of your business in profitability, not popularity.

And yet, there are so many business owners focused more on follower count than any other aspect of their business.

You’d be surprised how many businesses or “influencers” have a high follower count but aren’t making as much money as business owners with less followers.

It’s because the profitable business owner with less followers is focused on the components of her business that make it profitable, while the others are caught up in popularity and giving the illusion of success on social media.

Again, the external is fleeting.

Popularity comes and goes.

If your confidence is tied to how many “likes” you get on a post, what does that say about you?

I believe it says you determine your worth based on the approval of others.

And if you’re reading this, I know you’re better than that.

Don’t determine your confidence based on social media feedback.

At the end of your life, how many followers you had or “likes” you got is not a testament to your life and means absolutely nothing.

Resource: Bad Social Media Habits You Need to Stop

Money Scarcity

Another false sense of self-confidence is tied up in how much money you make and how much money you have in the bank.

When you feel like there isn’t enough money, or “if only” you had more money, life would be better, this comes from a place of lack.

I heard Brendon Burchard say on his podcast,

“If that last dollar doesn’t give you confidence, the next dollar won’t, either.”

You can have confidence now, today, regardless of the money in your bank account.

In fact, you need authentic self-confidence to create more money from a place of abundance.

Because you’ll never create it from a place of lack and never having enough.

Two years ago, after I was laid-off and given a generous severance package, I’d had more money in the bank than I’d ever had in my life.

I’d just gotten married, so I had my husband to fall back on, as well. But I was so used to being independent and taking care of myself that my brain discarded this fact.

There was no reason for me to feel like I was going broke. I don’t have debt and my bills were minimal.

But I was freaking out because I’d lost my job and therefore didn’t have a consistent paycheck, so my thoughts were consumed with running out of money.

If you’re in money scarcity, as I was, try this exercise:

Take a $100 bill and keep it in your wallet, but don’t spend it.

This is a great way to practice having money and a reminder there’s always enough.

Resource: Smart Women Finish Rich

Material Possessions

I’m the first to admit I like owning nice things.

There are certain brands I’m loyal to because I like the quality and style, and I am happy to trade my money for their value.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with owning luxury items.

However!

When you’re spending all your money on nice things to fill a void inside you or to impress other people, this is another faulty sense of self-confidence.

There is a quote by Will Smith, where he says,

“Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.”

It’s okay to own nice things-just make sure you have a good reason.

Using luxury items to determine your self-confidence or impress others shouldn’t be your reason.

This is another externality that is fleeting.

If your self-confidence is based on what you own, you’re going to be stuck in a cycle of constantly buying things because nothing will ever be enough to sustain you.