How to Create a Healthy Relationship

How to Create a Healthy Relationship

***photo credit: CLM Creative***

I want to start by saying my husband and I celebrated three years of marriage at the time I’m writing this article (July 2020) and we’ve been together five-and-a-half years overall at this point.

If you’re reading this and you’ve been married for a long period of time, you’re probably rolling your eyes at me right now, and that’s okay.

Three years isn’t exactly a long time (though many couples don’t even make it past the first year).

But I wrote this article for all the women out there who are ready to find the right person to do life with.

And I know there are so many of you out there.

This article is also for women who want more out of their relationship-I hope this helps you in some way.

Yes, we’ve only been married three years, and together for five-and-a-half years.

BUT…we put a lot of work into it from the get-go and we have a damn good marriage, if I do say so myself.

I’m proud of my marriage-I think it’s one of my greatest accomplishments-and I believe everyone should strive for their marriage to be one of their greatest accomplishments, as well.

Because marriage, to me, isn’t something you “just do.”

A lot of people get married because they think it’s a life event you check off the list.  They don’t actually put anything into their marriage, and their marriage isn’t activating them to be their best self.

Simply getting married isn’t an accomplishment if the foundation isn’t strong. Many people enter into marriage for the wrong reasons. Some wind up miserable for the rest of their lives.

And life is too short for lousy marriages.

My hope in writing this article is that my insight might help someone have a more fulfilling relationship or help someone prepare to meet their person.

I believe relationships-romantic, family, friendships-are all a component of personal development.

Like building a successful career, all relationships take work of their own, too, in order to be successful.

But before we get started, let me give you a brief synopsis of my relationship.

Our Story

My husband and I met Thanksgiving weekend in 2014.

At the time, I was content being single, but was ready to meet the man I would marry.

At 32 years old, I’d done a lot of traveling and soul-searching.  I’ve always been independent and didn’t need to be taken care of.

My standards have always been pretty high, but with a few failed relationships under my belt and at 32 years old, they were even more-so.

I was whole and ready to meet my husband.

And then I did.

He also came from a whole place.

We both had a few toxic, failed relationships in our past.  But we both kept them in the past (more on keeping things in the past where they belong later).

We started a relationship in January 2015, got engaged the following year, and then married the year after that.

Like any other couple, we’re not perfect.

We worked out a lot of our common disagreements through pre-marital counseling with our pastor.  I cannot recommend pre-marital counseling enough.

Every couple experiences a fight here or there, but since our pre-marital counseling, we barely argue at all.

And when we do have disagreements, it’s dealt with in a more productive way, versus pre-pre-marital counseling.

During our three years of marriage, I was laid-off from my job when my company closed the building I worked from.

We have also dealt with infertility, anxiety and subsequent anxiety attacks, depression, and other health issues.

So, we’ve had our share of stress in our marriage.

But as you’ll see later on in this article, we’ve never let it damage our relationship.

Get Healthy and Whole Pre-Relationship

To manifest a relationship with the right person, you have to be ready.

Beyond that, you have to feel whole as you are, alone.

It’s human to feel a void when you’d like to find your special someone.

But, too often women cannot find it in them to be happy on their own and enter into the wrong relationships.

Or, they see marriage as their ticket to have someone take care of them.

Life isn’t better in a relationship or married if you aren’t happy with who you are alone.

If you are dependent on others for happiness or simply just to be taken care of, you’ll never be truly happy.

That void will always be there.

When you are happy and whole, you’re very likely to attract someone equally happy and whole.

That’s what happened to me when I met my husband.

This sets your relationship up to be healthy and successful.

Know Your Expectations and Set Them ASAP

The best way to explain this is, “you get what you give.”

When I was in my 20’s, I lied to myself and others that I didn’t want to get married or have kids.

I did this because I didn’t think it was possible anyone could love me, so it was easier to believe this.

And guess what? I manifested relationships in line with my thinking.

I went into them with no real expectations and got nothing out of them other than lessons learned.

When I met my husband, I had set expectations. He had set expectations.

Our expectations matched, and we knew within a few months of dating we wanted to get married.

A lot of women enter into a relationship hoping it leads to something greater, but don’t set their expectations.  I learned this myself the hard way, and I see way too many women end up heartbroken when it doesn’t work out.

Know Each Other’s Love Language

When we were going through pre-marital counseling, we read The 5 Love Languages together.

This is one of the best books on relationships and marriage on the market.

When you understand what each other’s love language is, it brings clarity and understanding to how your spouse operates. It also brings clarity as to what they need from you to feel loved.

In the book, there is story after story about a hurt or offended spouse who wasn’t getting what they needed from the relationship, only to discover their spouse didn’t know what the hurt spouse needed to begin with.

In my case, my love languages are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation, and my husband’s are Quality Time and Physical Touch.

So, imagine how hurt my husband was when I first moved in with him and I wanted to go off and read a book in the other room, alone.

Because I wasn’t operating in his love language (which I didn’t know at the time), this was very hurtful to him.

It didn’t matter that I was always cleaning the house and doing things for him (Acts of Service, my love language). I wasn’t operating in his love language, and that’s what he needed.

We don’t deal with these scenarios now because we know each other’s love languages.

He knows if he does the dishes or fills my tires with air (acts of service) I’m going to be happy.

Give 100%

A lot of people say marriage is a 50/50 thing.

But they’re wrong.

It’s a 100/100 thing.

Both spouses need to give 100%.

When this doesn’t happen, problems abound.

I’ve seen this for myself with other couples who went on to experience crisis-type issues in their marriage as a result of only one person giving 100%.

It’s like group projects you did in college where one person did all the work while the other person contributed very little. The person who did all the work feels resentful of the other person.

That’s how it is in a relationship when both people aren’t giving 100%.

Walk Through Hard Times Together

Hard times can make or break a relationship.

Especially during these times, in the midst of a pandemic.

Everyone is stuck home together (not always a good thing), and many people are struggling financially.

The stay-at-home orders had a way of bringing underlying problems to the surface in marriages.

My husband works in a different time zone and doesn’t get home from work until after 7 pm.

Like many other people, he’s been working from home since the pandemic hit the United States, and he’s loving it. I’m loving it. We get to see each other so much more.

The pandemic sucks (obviously). But, we’re grateful for this extra time together. I think this is a great testament to our marriage when so many other marriages are struggling.

However, this doesn’t mean we haven’t experienced hard times of our own.

One reason my husband enjoys working from home is because the chronic stress and anxiety he was dealing with for several months the past year dissipated.

Around the holidays last year, my husband was dealing with chronic anxiety. He’d wake up in the middle of the night having anxiety attacks, and I felt completely helpless.

It impacted him to the point he couldn’t be around people, and it was a really tough time.

We also have an ongoing battle with infertility.

Infertility sucks. (To say the least).

It’s a disease that causes unrest in so many married couples, and we made the decision that wouldn’t be us.

Again, it all goes back to both of us being whole as individuals.

If we don’t conceive children, it would be tough to accept. But, because we’re whole as we are now, we wouldn’t let it stop us from being happy.

You have to be strong at the roots in order to succumb hard times in marriage.

Continually Develop Yourself

My husband and I are on the same page in that we both enjoy learning.  Both of us love to read, learn, and grow.

I think it’s important both spouses have a desire to better themselves and evolve.

Remember, you have to be healthy and whole to have a healthy relationship.

One reason I love studying personal development is because it helps me be a better person for my husband.

It also makes for great conversation.

We also learn together. As a bible-believing Christian couple, we are always going through a daily devotional or other book together.

All of this helps keep our foundation strong.

Be Transparent

Disagreements and conflict happen.

You have to be transparent, even when it’s hard.

My husband and I are 100% honest with each other, always, about everything.

If you’re hiding things regarding finances or something else, how can you expect to maintain a healthy marriage?

You can’t.

I cringe when people confide in me something their significant other doesn’t know, and I always encourage them to be honest with them.

Keeping secrets from your significant other is a major no-no and always leads to problems down the road.

Compromise

There’s no room for “my way or the highway”…unless you want to build resentment in your marriage.

Sometimes, you have to take one for the team.

I see a lot of people struggle in their marriage because one spouse wants things their way or controls everything.

It causes further problems down the road: lack of transparency, addiction, and more.

You have to be willing to not always get your way and compromise if you want to maintain a healthy marriage.

It sounds like a no-brainer, but a lot of people do not comprehend this, and they end up with a marriage in crisis.

Before You Go

Be healthy and whole before you start a relationship and always set expectations up front.

Relationships can be amazing and turn out better than you dreamed.

A great relationship can help elevate you to your highest self-but only when you’re coming from a healthy and whole place.

Read Next:

• How to Stop Avoiding Hard Things
• Needing From Lack vs. Wanting From Abundance
• How to Change Self-Defeating Thought Patterns
• Understanding and Loving Other People
• How to Overcome Self-Doubt